Wednesday, August 28, 2019

How The NAR Movement Almost Killed My Son- Part 4

The title is extreme.  Or is it?  You can decide...

I've waited to write this post because I wanted it to be as accurate as possible because I wanted Chaz's input.  He has been through so much and I know it was a nightmare for him.  How he made it through is by the grace of God.

If you haven't read the previous blog posts you can read them here:
Part 1- My Uneasy Experience at House Fire Ministries
Part 2- What Happened After We Left House Fire Ministries?
Part 3- How The New Apostolic Movement Affected My Son

Chaz in Guatemala 2 years prior.  Completely healthy.
The night we were at House Fire Ministries my son asked God to open his eyes as to what he may have gotten himself involved in.  He turned around and saw a huge demon hovering over the building.  When I came to check on Chaz I could tell something was wrong but later he told me what he saw.  This is when I decided I was going to do my own research.  I also prayed and asked God to open my eyes.  Did I have things in the house that didn't belong?  Did I have people in my life that are involved in some really bad stuff?  I asked God and He answered.  I began to look at preachers I was listening to online, reading on facebook, and movies I was watching.  Little did I know that I had completely become saturated in my thinking and beliefs by people in the New Apostolic Reformation Movement.  But that's gonna be saved for another post.  

Chaz paralyzed. We couldn't see but
he was pinned down by something
To my horror, I began to watch my son decline before my eyes.  He wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, and he had horrendous panic attacks.  I was about to go on a missionary trip to Guatemala and Chaz's ticket was completely paid for.  $1,700 per person.  In fact, he was the first person I made sure was covered because he absolutely loves missions and he had gone before.  I was also taking 5 other teens and kids in my family.  I contacted Mike from The Arizona Deliverance Center and asked his opinion if I should take Chaz on the Guatemala trip and he said NO.  Chaz had opened himself up to something and whatever it was, it was tormenting him physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

After the night of the impartation by Nathan Morris at Fresh Start Church, Chaz was not only able to form a fireball of sorts in his hands, he was now hearing voices that were NOT from God.  Even more, he began to see demons. I mean, straight up terrifying demons.  They talked to him, tormented his thoughts and visually scared him very bad.  Chaz told me that he felt he was about to have a breakdown.  Hmmmm, how serious was he about this?  I could see on his face that sweet, kind Chaz wasn't kidding.  The part that breaks my heart the most is that he was sleeping alone and I had NO idea must HOW badly he was tormented.  
At this point Chaz was sleeping 2 hours a night.  The day we were packing to head to Guatemala for 8 days, we went ahead and packed Chaz's stuff.  However, while I was packing in my room in the middle of the night, I came back an hour later to talk to Chaz.  He was laying in his bed with the most terrifying look in his eyes and staring straight upwards.  I walked in and asked him what was wrong. He had very shallow breathing, his face was gaunt, and he was frozen.  He couldn't answer me and I began to panic.  Finally he whispered to me that he was being choked and if I hadn't walked in he may have died.  I believed it because his face was white and I had never seen him looking like that before.

I thought Chaz was in severe danger and I grabbed him to rush to the hospital.  Right then and there I not only canceled him going on the trip, but since I had only an hour till I had to leave for the place, I was gonna cancel my trip as well.  Chaz began to cry because he wanted to go to Guatemala SO BAD.  My husband recognized it was a severe panic attack and helped him calm down.  Chaz was seeing so many demons that it was literally traumatizing him and he began to spiral faster than we could figure out how to help.  I had figured out we had gotten involved in some bad stuff with the impartations and we all had already repented and renounced our involvement.  But Chaz wasn't being left alone.  

The day before Guatemala Chaz was excited and packed
Chaz came with us to the airport to see us off to Guatemala and we heartbreakingly left him behind.  My heart broke as my plane pulled away from my son but I knew he was in great care with his dad.  I sobbed all the way through take off as the plane took me further and further away from him.  I needed to be with my kids on the mission trip but I knew Chaz also needed me.  It hurt so bad to leave the one teen who's heart has always been for missions.  

As soon as I got to the place we were staying at in a different country I called my husband.  I called every night to get a report after spending an exhausting day outreaching, praying for people, and giving out food. When I called every night Charles told me Chaz was sleeping in the room with him and sobbing and sobbing. He basically was immovable like he was a paraplegic,  He could not care for himself at all and Charles had to spoon feed him.  At one point Charles took him to the deliverance center, they prayed for him, and Chaz did well for a few days.  In fact, he was able to walk and feed himself.  Slowly as each day went on, he was bed ridden again.

When I got back from the trip I immediately took Chaz to see his primary doctor.  She put him on Zoloft for anxiety and I was excited to at least watch him slowly come back to normal.  At least I thought.  There is just one problem.  There is a 5% chance that Zoloft can push people into phychosis.  Chaz was that small percentage.

The night before being admitted
Chaz not only was being spoon fed, he was choking on his food. I was feeding him noodles and it should have been easy for him to eat.  He couldn't even eat that.  I looked at his skinny frame and gaunt face and knew it was time to take him to the hospital.  I scooped him up since he was basically too stiff to move.  I raced him to the Phoenix Children's Hospital and had him seen by the ER.  They knew he needed to be admitted.  His weight had gone from a 55 percentile down to 2.  TWO percentile.  He was crying and grabbing his throat and was having to use a wheelchair.  I was relieved Chaz was at least going to get a feeding tube if needed.  I showed the doctors Chaz's meds which was Zoloft.  I had not figured out yet that the meds were about to take him from panic attacks to full on psychosis.  Once admitted, it went downhill even more.

The staff at Phoenix Children's said that the Zoloft isn't working so they wanted to double it.  At that point I decided to look up Zoloft and saw that Chaz had every single adverse reaction listed as a warning on their site.  I showed the doctor there and not only did he ignore me, he mentioned doubling it and added Chlonodine.  Within a couple days of being admitted, which I hoped was to get a feeding tube and at least keep him alive, he was manic.  

By now, Chaz was talking to things we couldn't see, his hallucinations were out of control.  He could feel things touching him all over his body and felt things wrapping around his legs and hips.  It would squeeze TIGHT anytime Chaz mentioned scripture.  At night Chaz would scream and scream.  He was so starving and so hungry but couldn't eat.  I begged for a feeding tube if we couldn't get him to eat.  But his psychosis became so severe that he could hardly be managed by staff.  At one point Chaz kicked me out of his room.  He was tormented in the shower, in the bathroom, in his bed, and in his sleep.  I would take care of the kids in the day at home and sit by Chaz's side at night in the hospital.  

By the time Chaz was in the hospital for a week he was so bad that he couldn't sleep and was begging for no-one to touch him.  The worst night made me sob was when he was dark in the room and his body was being squeezed so tightly that he screamed and screamed.  He couldn't even use the restroom and lost it all.  That was the night that I felt I was losing him.  The staff and everyone was at a loss and no one would listen to me that that Zoloft was making things a thousand times worse.  When Chaz finally fell asleep peacefully early morning, I was so relieved he made it.  But inside I was grieving.  

The morning he woke up at peace
The next morning Chaz woke up with the most peaceful look on his face.  He was smiling and asked if he could talk to me about something that happened.  He said he met God the night before.  God gave him a choice to go with Him or stay with family.  Chaz said it was so peaceful and he wanted to go with God.  However, he chose to stay with family and made his choice clear.  Just looking at Chaz and the peace on his face, I knew he meant every word.  The night before I was grieving because I felt that Chaz was dying.  I held Chaz's hand in relief that he was still with me.  I love him so much.  My heart hurt so bad but I always tried to stay strong and not show my sadness.  This peaceful state was only for a short time.

At one point was Chaz was manic and pacing, he stopped suddenly, walked over to me and looked into my eyes.  With a very heartfelt voice he asked me, "Mom, why do you have so much grief and sorrow?"  My eyes began to tear as I stared back into his eyes.  I gulped and willed my tears to go back and replied, "I'm okay, Chaz."  Nothing hurts worse that watching your own child suffer.

Since Chaz was 18 I was not allowed to force the doctors to take him off of the Zoloft medication.  I began to pray and ask God to let Chaz have a clear enough moment for me to sign a medical power of attorney.  The nurses assured me that if I had this, I can have him taken on the very meds that were hurting him.  By this time Chaz was completely manic and I rarely saw a clear moment.  One time as I sat next to him, he had obvious clarity.  It was the morning he woke up and said he had met God. I begged the nurse to run and get the papers for Chaz to sign and a notary.  Within 15 minutes they came and Chaz signed. I felt like falling to the floor in relief and was so grateful because from that point on, Chaz was never as clear minded as that.  

As soon as I brought the papers to the doctor he said, "It's no longer a medical thing but a mental thing. The papers mean nothing."  I was floored!  I felt defeated and lost.  My son, the boy cared for from birth and the one I fought for in every situation now was in a situation where I couldn't protect him.  Not even he had a chance to fight for himself because his brain was held captive by meds that messed with his mind and other things that were even beyond that.  

Chaz on floor in bathroom.
It's never fun to watch staff rush to your son and hold him down with a shot to put him to sleep.  This began to happen night after night as he was lost further and further into psychosis.  He was NOT the boy I brought into the hospital initially.  Each morning, around 5am I'd leave the hospital in defeat.  I'd hug him goodbye, walk tiredly to the elevator, and along the the long white hallway to the exit.  As soon as I got into my large 15 passenger van I'd weep for my son.

One day I came back to see Chaz and his bed was empty.  New white sheets, fresh towels, blankets.  No Chaz. I had no idea where Phoenix Children's had sent him and went into full blown panic in my heart.  Where was my son?  I yelled over the phone to the nurse and she said he had been escorted BY POLICE to a phychiatric facility somewhere in Arizona.  I waited impatiently by my phone to find out where.  I didn't care what time it was, where it was, or if they'd let me in to see him.  I'd do anything to be as close to him as I could get.

How did we get from a bible study, to an impartation, to seeing and hearing demons, to seeking out meds for anxiety, to full blown psychosis, and now a police escort away from a hospital?  This was a nightmare I wish I had never gotten myself or my family into. 

I had located where they placed Chaz and frantically got in my van in the middle of the night and started driving....

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