Sunday, September 8, 2019

Depression After Deception-After Effects of NAR

Someone recently wrote me and asked how I don't have major depression after leaving the NAR movement.  Um, I have.  I just don't talk about it.  If it helps for people for me to give the REAL me and my struggle coming out of it then I'll share.


It's BAD.  There were days where I didn't want to get out of bed.  I've sobbed in my quiet space away from my kids.  I've screamed into my blanket so no one could hear.  Today at church I felt like a wet blanket.  I sat in the FRONT row, which is my favorite, so I could really just focus on worship time.  But I felt this gloom over me.  Like a dark cloud and I couldn't shake it.  I was painfully aware my kids were all around me and could see my face and the depression.  I hated that because I never want to bring my kids down into my negative world in that way.  My kids aren't my best buddies where I can unload on them.  They look to us for stability and assurance.  



Loss of friends:

I lost friends from the church I left.  The crazy thing about it is I never wanted to lose friends. To me, this was a true test if I was walking out of a cult.  From experience in my past, if you walk out of a church peacefully and your friends list on Facebook, Instagram, and in real life drop you, they were never friends in the first place.  Because I have been shunned in the past by over 300 people from walking away from a church building, I knew what the true test would be walking away from House Fire Ministries.  It's not that I was blocked (well, I am now but its good), I just didn't exist in their world anymore.  No one reached out to me to ask if I was okay.  No one offered to pray for me (save for one who did in the beginning before I left).  I didn't get a single phone call, text, no invites.  Nothing.  And this was after missing one Friday night bible study.  I hadn't even decided yet before being cut off.


Became an enemy:

I became an enemy the moment I questioned anything. I was to be quiet so as not to question "God's anointed." I needed a reason to stay and looked for one, anything, but I was met with half quoted scriptures out of context and a feeling of just being an annoyance.  It didn't matter that I had put tons of money and hours into helping build this church up from scratch.  The second I questioned things, I was the enemy.  Almost right away I was mocked about to friends, mocked on facebook , and rumors were spread.



Loss of so called Promises:

As I walked away from utter confusion, tons of questions unanswered, and a dream unfulfilled that I was "promised from prophesies," I realized I was sinking deeper and deeper into a depression.  Were all those prophesies nothing?  I was so excited about all the things I was told God wanted to do!  Was it God?  Was it man?  Was it the counterfeit holy spirit?  I felt so mocked and deceived.  Regardless of their deception, the finger points back at me because I walked into this unaware.

“Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.”
1 John 4:1

False religions do not have this indwelling of the Holy Spirit taking place within their adherents. So what’s a Devil to do? Well, he’ll just do what he’s always done, and rather successfully at that: create some kind of counterfeit experience to mimic a real blessing given by God to true Christians.




How come when I was in the movement I saw prayers being answered personally?  I can answer that quickly.  My faith was majorly boosted and I began to pray and read my bible like never before.  I wrote a prayer journal to God daily and really, really HAD FAITH.  I was stepping out in boldness like never before and made a living fool out of myself because I was convinced that God would heal every person I laid hands on.  Well, Todd White made it look so easy.  



Do I believe in healing?  Yes, God has completely and totally healed not only my back but failing kidneys.  While in the NAR movement?  No.  God was answering my prayers (whether it was a yes or no) because I stepped out in faith and talked to Him.  

Loss of Time and Money:
Like I said in previous posts, I invested hours up hours, almost a thousand dollars, before the church even opened.  But you know, that was for God and it doesn't matter I lost those things.  I didn't do it for approval from the pastor and his wife.  I did it for Jesus.  I spent HOURS researching, buying programs, buying equipment I needed to have a functional children's church.  It was exhausting.  I know none of it was in vain, maybe to a wrong source, but God sees my heart.

Does depression happen after deception? After falling deep in something only to realize it's all wrong? A BIG FAT YES. While in worship this morning I was sitting in a dark cloud. My heart hurting like crazy. And then I looked around me and saw all these blessings of mine. All in different stages of their life. I felt a healing come over my broken heart as I saw my kids softness towards God.  I had my biological children, my foster children, and even my previous foster son who no longer lives with us but visits, and a friend who we're currently reaching out to help during a rough time.  In church I was literally surrounded by the people I love sooo much in my life.  It's like as I was looking around me God was showing me how in the midst of suffering, sometimes we don't see the blessing. This is all today.  I can't point out which ones are my biological and which ones are my fosters for legal reasons so I won't explain who is who. But just know that every kid who walks into my house has my heart and I see no difference.  They are ALL children of God and therefore mine to watch, love, and to care for.

Ryan doing production at church
Nathaniel during worship time
Adriana getting baptized 
Jay going up for prayer after sermon


Chaz sane and in his right mind after satan almost taking him out
I quietly drove home after church with the kids in our 15 passenger van.  I hoped no one would ask questions as to why I was so quiet.  I was so tired of saying, "no, nothings wrong."  Once we got home and unloaded the van, I quickly began to get lunch ready for my 13 hungry kiddos.  My previous foster son who visits me on the weekends walked up to me in the hallway.  He said, "Jenny, I just want you to know that I'm depressed."  I asked him why.  He said he was mad at God for all the things he went through.  Why is he in foster care?  Why couldn't God have stopped that from happening? I got quiet while contemplating how I was going to reply to him.  I said, "You know, I'm not able to feel how you felt when DCS came to remove you from your mom.  I'll never understand that pain.  But I do know there is a lot of suffering in this world and it's everywhere.  Some have gone through unimaginable pain in their lifetime and some like me are mad at God because I fell into a false religion."  I told him I could either choose to see what God didn't save me from, or I could see who God sent to me while in my pain.  I saw that today when I looked at each of my kids raising their hands in worship to God, to my daughter getting baptized, to watching my son serve in production, and seeing friends I brought to church reach out to respond to God.  I could see that God showed me a way out of my cloud of confusion.  I looked at this sweet boy in front of me and reminded him of the story of the days of abuse and isolation with no one to help, his mama cried out to God and asked for a way out of the abuse and God made a way.  I gently reminded him how many people stepped up to take care of him, feed him, clothe him, loved him and kept him from danger while being separated from his family.  We can either see the pain and only the pain, or we can look thankfully through our tears and lift our voice to God thanking Him for walking us through it without having to be alone.  He hugged me close and thanked me for never, ever walking away from him and always loving him through the good and bad.  


I thought about that for awhile.  He just spoke to my heart in so many ways.  God doesn't promise us a pain free life.  People are fallible.  When he was telling me thank you for loving him even when he was incredibly difficult at times, I thought about how God has loved me through my bad decisions, my complaining, my anger directed at Him.  How many times He warned me in my heart and I felt the prompting but didn't listen.  He did warn me.  And especially through His word.  Why was I chasing signs and wonders if I'm told I'm to have faith?  Lesson learned and what a hard lesson it was. 

I thank you, Jesus, for walking me through this difficult time and never leaving my side.  You never walked away from me, It was you I walked away from.  You even warned me not to detour and take that path and I didn't listen.  Still, You love me.  Thank you.


4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this, Virginia. This reminded me so much of my experience after repentance. I went through a few years of internal trouble, depression, perplexity, outright demonic attack, etc. I can tell you that one thought I had that (for some reason) was a great comfort to me, was II Tim. 2:19. "This foundation of God standeth sure. The Lord them that are His . ." In my darkest moments, I would recite that, and realizing, "Jesus knows whether I am His, or whether I do not belong to Him!" was somehow strengthening. I'm praying for you with a strong anticipation God will establish you into his comfort and graces. For, that is what He did for me. Such a tangible peace and comfort, I can physically feel it in my body, and it is wonderful. Here is a link to my testimony. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwu9c8N0KeI&t=50s

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    1. Thank you for your comment and I'm currently listening to your story. Wow!

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  2. I omitted the word "KNOWETH"

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  3. From friend Katie- I just want to tell you I literally was crying reading that and felt your heart so strong in that post, I am so sorry you had to face these strong emotions and it brought you so much pain. You have one of the most beautiful hearts and love for people I have seen. And I am so thankful you came out of this and will be even stronger and more aware to situations. Your gaining so much knowledge of which spirits are real and truth and which ones aren't. So thankful you found New Heights and I just love your heart!!!! Appreciate you friend and the contribution you make to this world for the better and your love for Jesus!!

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Comment kindly, my friends. :)

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