Friday, October 7, 2022

Dangers of Foster Care

 Not enough people talk about this.... but I want to. I think it's important that kids in foster care are given a home but this foster care is like an onion.  On the outside it just looks perfect and smooth, right?  However, as you peel and get further into it, it can start to burn, cause tears, and the deeper you get, you wonder if the pain was worth it.  Let me explain.

1. You have to hope and pray that a DCS (or CPS) worker is honest about the background of the child.

Does the child have background of sexual behaviors towards other children? In our case we were lied to with one of the boys.  We were told that the boy that we had to have removed before was doing AMAZING now and very little behavior problems.  We had this boy before for 3 months and it was the hardest 3 months of my life.  He has severe trauma issues and we were literally afraid he'd stab us in our sleep.  This time, we thought we'd give him a chance. Nothing had changed.  In fact, he had hurt kids before entering our home and it was written that he had in fact acted out sexually.  Do you think that information is important before placing him with a family?  ABSOLUTELY.  We had him removed as soon as we saw the same behaviors returning and he was definitely hunting a next victim.  Did we quit on him? Not at all.  I spoke to him on a weekly basis.  Turns out, he committed a few more crimes and had to spend time in a detention center and receive lots of trauma help.  They finally admitted that he can't be placed with any families at all with kids.  Sometimes DCS honestly just doesn't have enough information and it's not intentional.

2. Teens are a thousand times harder to take in than little kids or babies. 

You have about a 15% chance, maybe 25% (in some cases) of really making an impact and changing their course.  It depends on what we're talking about.  My adopted daughter is alive.  Yes. She used to drink and do drugs like there was no tomorrow.  For some of her friends, they are 6 feet under for that reason.  She's alive and if that is the only positive I got from it, then it was worth it. 

Teens are very, very deadset in their ways and be prepared to be compared to their mom who let them do anything they wanted, stole for them, taught them out to steal, put them in danger, let strange men in their home, in their beds, and allowed them to see sexual encounters.  Yes, you will compared because you'll be too strict, too controlling, and too caring. This is how they see it because they were allowed to be their own parent for too long.  They don't see it as you loving and caring for them.  They see it as an unloving act.  This was very hard for me to accept.   The pain is real.  Shockingly enough, as soon as they were old enough to move out they went straight back to mom, to their abuser, and even excused it. 

3. Be Prepared to receive threats from the biofamily

We got letters and phone calls, even texts, from bio mom with threats, anger, getting cussed out, and still be expected to do visits and keep the peace.  Sometimes, they will facilitate the visit and it truly helps, but bio family can easily get your number from their kids.  I actually know the family so they already knew my info.  But DCS is there to protect the family, not you. That's what your foster agency is for.  To protect you.  

4. Know that DCS is absolutely NOT on your side.

Never give up any information voluntarily.  You're not hiding anything.  It's just they can use anything against you.  They will pretend to be your friend to get you to talk. Don't get me wrong.  Sometimes there truly are amazing agents.  But they can be few and hard to find.  Sometimes you won't know till it's too late that you have a bad one. I absolutely love kids and loved taking care of them, but this was a hard fact I learned.  Their job is to protect the child and the biofamily.

5. Your life will be consumed with appointments

Oh man, that's an understatement.  I pretty much gave up all my freedom for CFT's, therapies, DCS visits to our house, visits with mom (if they weren't being facilitated by DCS), and visits from your foster agency.  Your home is no longer your sanctuary. It was grand central station and this can be very, very hard on the bio family. I still have PTSD from just the doorbell ringing randomly. This doesn't include the 6 hours a year needed for added training.  If a foster child accuses you of anything and even if it's a lie, you can be sent to more classes. This happened to us and it was very stressful.  When they didn't get their way, it was simple, just spread a rumor or lie to get DCS to go after the family and scare them.  It's very affective.  Can you blame DCS though?  They have to be vigilant to make sure the kid is safe. 

6. You can be falsely accused of abuse

This is very scary.  We had a foster daughter who was mad at her uncle who she had been placed with before.  She wasn't getting her way so she threatened to falsely report that he sexually touched her.  Did she care that it would ruin his life?  Nope.  She was mad and was used to her mom giving her whatever she wanted because of fits.  I have a friend who's husband was falsely accused and he was put in the slammer for 2 years.  The kid later admitted they were just mad.  Not only can DCS remove that kid, but they can remove all your kids. 

7. Foster kids will project behaviors onto your kids

Be prepared to watch your bio kids change.  I watched my kids go from innocent kids with innocent thinking... to being introduced to vaping, cursing, perversion, and told everything they need to know about sex and beyond.  It's not a joke.  Your kids become who they hang around. My foster daughter clung to my teen son and absolutely had a negative impact on him.  I saw his behavior go downhill once she decided he was a good talking buddy.  My son has a very good heart and loves people so I know he had good intentions.  He wanted to give her a listening ear.  But the bible is absolutely right that we become who we hang around.  He was not the only one influenced and I saw major behavior changes that to this day I have not been able to reverse.

8. DCS doesn't care what your biblical beliefs are

If your foster teen says they are gay, you have to adhere to it.  If they say they are Catholic and you never want to step foot in a Catholic church, you have to help them get there.  Satanists?  Yep.  You cannot discriminate.  Unfortunately, I had an incident where I found a nude photo from a grown woman given to my underage adopted daughter. I asked that older woman to take a break while I figure out what he heck is going on, and my adopted daughter ran away.  On top of it, lied and said I kicked her out for being gay.  No. I was not okay that a woman that I allowed into my home and actually been hunting my daughter since she was 16 and they actually were doing things together.  That is NOT okay.  Let's put my religious beliefs aside, when is it ever okay for an adult to hunt a minor? Why is a nude photo hanging up nearby my other minor daughter?  The mom that took my adopted daughter to her house truly thought I had kicked out a minor and felt she was rescuing her.  Guess what?  She allowed this older woman to come and hang out and take her out.  DCS may not have allowed that and would have went after her, but they would have allowed many, many other things.  Including, providing birth control to your underage foster kids.

9. You will put much more time into foster kids than your own

I remember having so many appointments and having so many issues that many times I had to neglect my biochildren.  Other people even saw the favoritism but I didn't have a choice. Their behaviors commanded so much attention that I found it hard at the end of the day to even see if my own kids are okay.  This caused a lot of resentment from my kids, and I saw them grow quiet over time because they felt they weren't listened to. Which kids always get the most attention? The naughty kids.  Kids that are well behaved tend to fall by the wayside and can grow sad and resentful.  I saw this happen to a few of my kids and I'm still working to this day to help heal what was lost. To this day my adopted girls will say I play favorites which is sad because I lost so much time with the other kids in order to keep them happy.  They were used to demanding attention before.  I wished I fixed this issue earlier rather than later.  Every kid deserves your time.

10. You will rarely get a thank you

After my adopted daughters left, they left with a BANG.  They tend to have tunnel vision and see things from only their view and how they molded the stories to fit the agenda.  I truly think this just comes from years and years of learned manipulation from learned behavior.  This is something I really hope they fix throughout the years because it can hurt a lot of relationships and future marriage. There was no thank you.  Nothing.  I had given 5 years of time, tears, and love. But was left with rumors that were spread and crazy stories circulating about our home life.  Don't think that it's like the movies.  They don't move out, hug, thank you, and then tell stories of their life.  In fact, I'm convinced that half the stories I hear of a horrible adoptive family, it was spread from foster/adopted kids that have unhealed trauma. I've lost friends over lies from kids who left and it HURTS because I truly loved these kids.

In hopes to show you the dangers in order to spare your family from pain, let me share this...

While helping kids with their trauma, I developed my own and now have to get help of my own.  Look it up.  It's a common end.  I just want people to know the possible consequences. However, NOW I realize why people take in babies and toddlers.  That long list I just gave?  It would have been very, very small.  They can't influence your kids, spread lies, or leave in anger, and you will never be falsely accused unless it comes from the biomom.  My dream since I was a little girl was to work in an orphanage. I realize we don't have those in America so I went towards foster care.  I can tell you that I will never, ever, ever do it again unless my kids are grown. I must say, I have two amazing adopted sons still with us and I love them like crazy. We had a blast traveling this summer and look forward to the future.  :)

Please, please count all the costs before going forward as I only gave a small glimpse.  If you have any questions, please leave a comment.  

Selling Our Beautiful 7 Bedroom House and Moving On

After much, much thought... we sold our 7 bedroom house. Yes, it was a BEAUTIFUL house.  However, I had so many negative memories there.  So much had happened in the 2 1/2 years that we lived there.  I can't list them all but some of the "highlights" are my son's illness and psychosis, flooding, my adopted kids freaking out and leaving, my husband and I getting Covid there, lock down, and so, so, so much more.  My memories are so foggy and I used to remember it all.  Some, I CAN'T mention.  We had a foster son there that was considered a level 4.  Very high needs from so many negative behaviors.  He was very abusive and had to be removed.  He's literally not allowed to live at regular homes anymore for safety reasons.  

I'm currently working with a Christian therapist that specializes in trauma and ptsd.  She's been helping me understand the brain. This video really helped me understand it.  

We had 16 kids in our beautiful home and we absolutely had a blast.  Until Covid hit.  I don't know if it was stress.  I know the 2 girls that attended public school (which was terrible for them), absolutely hated learning from home.

Through all of this my oldest son went into psychosis, had terrible doctors that took advantage of him, and we were in for the fight of our life.  

I think sharing this here and documenting what I can, may help me to process it all.  It's a very long story.

Dangers of Foster Care

  Not enough people talk about this .... but I want to. I think it's important that kids in foster care are given a home but this foster...